Light Bulb Moments

It's been a long time since I have felt the desire to write or share any aspect of my life with anyone, but there have been times when I know that I needed to.  A lot has changed in the past year for me, some things I haven't dealt with very well, and it has been hard to move forward.  I have felt for so long like I was just wandering in the wilderness of life.  Not sure what to do, how to feel, how to cope, abandoned by many, when in reality, it was really me who was pushing myself away from people.  I have realized that I had to make changes.... changes that I dragged my feet about, but know that in order to have the life I want, I needed to make them! Last year was so discouraging for me, in so many ways, and I have realized alot of things the past few weeks that I need to work on, that in their own ways have held me back. NO MORE!!!! As Dad would say “I'm turning over a new leaf!” No more standing in my own way, or fighting what is, but instead accept what is, and move forward anyway!

The Loss of Grandma and Boppa last year;  It was devastating for me, and I know that everyone in my family took it hard and dealt with it in their own way, but in a sense, I never really had time to grieve the loss of either of them. When Boppa died we were in the middle of trying to pack and move across the country, and I was wrapping things up at work, and dealing with all of that as well. And when Grandma died it was such a shock, and such a busy time with coming back after her funeral, and then starting work at OCC, that I never took time to let the grief take over. It finally did.... or has! I miss them so much!  I always will! It's funny, but little things in my day remind me of them... something Dad will say, or a hymn in church (when I can hear Boppa singing it in my ear) ... I want to remember them, and be thankful for the times that I did have with them, and know that I will see them again, when God sees fit! Until then, I know that I have two angels cheering me on in heaven, and that is an amazing blessing! I was truly blessed with amazing grandparents who taught me and gave me so much!  They have left an amazing legacy to our family! 

Moving Here to Kimberley; It has not been an easy move or adjustment for me at all. It's hard going from a town the size of Brockville, to here. It feels so remote and cut off from everything. I hated it here from the moment I got here, and made a point to let my parents know it every chance I got. I never approved of this decision. And I felt like they had dragged me here kicking and screaming. I have now been here for 8 months, I think... and I know that it is a small town, but it is a slice of heaven when I go outside and see the mountains, or the deer walking through my yard daily. I never had that in Brockville! Sure there are things that I still miss about being there, but I have to let that go, and know that this is now my home. The people in the church are welcoming and encouraging, supportive of me and love me for who I am. Never short on hugs in this church!  I pray that I will find my place here, that I can carve a life for myself here somehow. God brought me here for a reason, and I know that. Now to be on the lookout for the Why.

Spiritually Dead/Frustrated: Last year being such a tough year, I really lost my faith in God and his direction for my life. Why in the world would He bring me here? Why would He let both my grandparents die? Why wouldn't He let me get a job? I was angry, and resentful, and just didn't care anymore! I lost faith in everything, I lost hope, I lost peace.... Let's put this into perspective.... This past year was harder spiritually than when I left Brian!!! That seemed so much easier than this past year to handle! I had more faith in God and in myself back then, than I do now. I have prayed, but it felt like nothing was being heard or listened to, I felt more alone than I had in soooo long.  "God, where are you?!" I would cry.  Nothing in my life was working out, or going as I planned.... Duhhh Amanda, that's why! God wasn't in your plans at all!!!  I have made a goal for myself, spend less time online with Facebook, and other things, and spend more time getting to know who God is, and having a relationship with Him! I was trying to find joy in everything else, but nothing made me happy.... because God needs to be my source of JOY!

Here is hoping that this year brings more JOY, and happiness my way than last year!