Our Daily Bread

These last few months...ok, the past YEAR, I've really wondered what in the world God is doing with me.  I moved to this REALLY small town, I have no job, and no prospects for a job, I have barely any money in my account, and bills keep coming in.  It is hard for me to be in this kind of position because before I moved here, I had a decent job, decent money, paid all my bills on time, was never in debt, never had to really worry whether I'd have enough to make my payments, I went on vacations every year, and now it is total opposite!  It's frustrating to me - VERY frustrating!  It's not for lack of trying to get a job that I don't have a job!  I've applied places, but it seems that I can't even get a call back on any resumes or applications I send out!  Eventually it really gets to you.

This past week was one of those "I hate my life, I need a job, and money" kind of weeks.  I was discouraged, felt defeated, and was like "when in the world is this going to end!"  It's overwhelming when I sit and dwell on all the things that I can't do, or can't have, for lack of funds, like just paying my cell phone bill is a chore!  We live in such a "I want!" kind of society.  We want things, but do we really need them?  Probably not, but yet we spend the money anyway, and then a few months later realize what a waste it was.  As I was going through my devotions the other day, I was reading about how sometimes God gives us a time of "forced leisure" - a time to slow down, to rest, and regrouping, time to focus on Him, rest in Him, and His perfect plan!  Zephaniah 3:17 (NLT) says "For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness.  With His love, He will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”   I thought about it, and I was like..."Hmmm, maybe there is meaning to this year of nothing!  Maybe this is God forcing me to take a look, to calm down, and rest for a bit, and focus on whats really important."   How easy it is, in the busyness of life, that we get so caught up with work, and money, and finances, and just worldly things, that we don't take time to spend with God, and be grateful that He has ultimately provided for us, and for our needs.  We lose sight of the fact that God was the one who is always to be praised for all things in our lives, good, and even bad.  There are lessons to be learned through every circumstance in life.  But we also need to trust Him for what we need, not depend on our own abilities.  Any day we could lose our jobs, we could lose our homes, forced to move elsewhere, to start with nothing.  Why do we wait til we have nothing to trust God sometimes, or be grateful for what God has entrusted to us?  I realized that though I used to have a good job, and money coming in, I wasn't responsible with what God had entrusted to me.  I wasn't as grateful as I should have been for that job that God had provided for me, when I really needed it.

So what about now?  My view on things has changed.  Now, instead of having a secure job, and decent pay checks coming in, I babysit a few days a week for a family.  It's not huge money at all, but it is enough!  It covers my bills, and that is it.  God never told us that He would give us great wealth.   He told us that He would supply our needs, give us our daily bread, that's it.  I have a roof over my head, food on my table, bills are paid, and that is something to be grateful for, and I am grateful with the little that I have! 

Proverbs 30:8,9 (NIV) "Give me neither poverty nor riches, but only my daily bread.  Otherwise I may disown you and say 'Who is the Lord?'  Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God."

What's your view? How do you see your life?  Is it pleasing to God?  Do you take what you have for granted?  Have you thanked the One who blessed you with your job, home, food, car, etc?  What would you do if tomorrow you lost everything? Would you still be thankful or would you be the one saying "God why did you do this to me?" 

Light Bulb Moments

It's been a long time since I have felt the desire to write or share any aspect of my life with anyone, but there have been times when I know that I needed to.  A lot has changed in the past year for me, some things I haven't dealt with very well, and it has been hard to move forward.  I have felt for so long like I was just wandering in the wilderness of life.  Not sure what to do, how to feel, how to cope, abandoned by many, when in reality, it was really me who was pushing myself away from people.  I have realized that I had to make changes.... changes that I dragged my feet about, but know that in order to have the life I want, I needed to make them! Last year was so discouraging for me, in so many ways, and I have realized alot of things the past few weeks that I need to work on, that in their own ways have held me back. NO MORE!!!! As Dad would say “I'm turning over a new leaf!” No more standing in my own way, or fighting what is, but instead accept what is, and move forward anyway!

The Loss of Grandma and Boppa last year;  It was devastating for me, and I know that everyone in my family took it hard and dealt with it in their own way, but in a sense, I never really had time to grieve the loss of either of them. When Boppa died we were in the middle of trying to pack and move across the country, and I was wrapping things up at work, and dealing with all of that as well. And when Grandma died it was such a shock, and such a busy time with coming back after her funeral, and then starting work at OCC, that I never took time to let the grief take over. It finally did.... or has! I miss them so much!  I always will! It's funny, but little things in my day remind me of them... something Dad will say, or a hymn in church (when I can hear Boppa singing it in my ear) ... I want to remember them, and be thankful for the times that I did have with them, and know that I will see them again, when God sees fit! Until then, I know that I have two angels cheering me on in heaven, and that is an amazing blessing! I was truly blessed with amazing grandparents who taught me and gave me so much!  They have left an amazing legacy to our family! 

Moving Here to Kimberley; It has not been an easy move or adjustment for me at all. It's hard going from a town the size of Brockville, to here. It feels so remote and cut off from everything. I hated it here from the moment I got here, and made a point to let my parents know it every chance I got. I never approved of this decision. And I felt like they had dragged me here kicking and screaming. I have now been here for 8 months, I think... and I know that it is a small town, but it is a slice of heaven when I go outside and see the mountains, or the deer walking through my yard daily. I never had that in Brockville! Sure there are things that I still miss about being there, but I have to let that go, and know that this is now my home. The people in the church are welcoming and encouraging, supportive of me and love me for who I am. Never short on hugs in this church!  I pray that I will find my place here, that I can carve a life for myself here somehow. God brought me here for a reason, and I know that. Now to be on the lookout for the Why.

Spiritually Dead/Frustrated: Last year being such a tough year, I really lost my faith in God and his direction for my life. Why in the world would He bring me here? Why would He let both my grandparents die? Why wouldn't He let me get a job? I was angry, and resentful, and just didn't care anymore! I lost faith in everything, I lost hope, I lost peace.... Let's put this into perspective.... This past year was harder spiritually than when I left Brian!!! That seemed so much easier than this past year to handle! I had more faith in God and in myself back then, than I do now. I have prayed, but it felt like nothing was being heard or listened to, I felt more alone than I had in soooo long.  "God, where are you?!" I would cry.  Nothing in my life was working out, or going as I planned.... Duhhh Amanda, that's why! God wasn't in your plans at all!!!  I have made a goal for myself, spend less time online with Facebook, and other things, and spend more time getting to know who God is, and having a relationship with Him! I was trying to find joy in everything else, but nothing made me happy.... because God needs to be my source of JOY!

Here is hoping that this year brings more JOY, and happiness my way than last year!