Rising from Heartache and Pain - (Personal Story)

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed."
~Psalm 34:18~

Wow, so I was sitting listening to some tunes the other day, and came across an artist I'd never heard of before - Sara Haze .  She has a song called "My Addiction", that really hit home to me.  You may be asking, "What in the world Amanda?"  The answer is - No I don't have an addiction, none at all, except maybe to sour candy, but that is another story for another day.  As I listened to the lyrics, and the heartbreak in the song, it brought back alot of emotions for me, because I had been there, I had felt that low, that desperate in my life, I needed someone to save me, I needed to save myself!   Click the song below to listen to it! 

Allow me to shed a little light on my personal struggle.  I was married at one point in time.  About 3 months after we got married, I discovered that my then husband had a serious addiction.  He didn't tell anyone, and neither did I.  I didn't feel like it was my place, and part of me kept telling myself, "It will end, things will get better.", but they didn't... they just kept getting worse.  I prayed daily that things would change, tried to get him to get help, which he would convince me that he would, but never really did, I would spend alot of nights, days too, in tears, it broke me, shattered my self-esteem, and put my faith to the test more then I dare admit, but I wanted my marriage to work, I had made a commitment, to him, and to God!  I thought I could change him, make things ok.  I tried, and tried... for 4 years!  I became good at playing the part of the "happy wife" in public, even though inside, I was anything but happy.  Nobody knew the struggle that was going on, or any of what I was going through behind closed doors, not even my family had any idea!  I was scared, felt more alone then I have ever felt in my entire life, I had lost myself in all of it, I was carrying my husbands secret, that wasn't mine to carry, and the weight of that got to be too much.  I was wrapped up in making sure nobody found out, of trying to fix him, of trying to be what and who he wanted me to be, so he'd be happy with me, but nothing I did was enough, or right. 

It was a February day when it all became too much, I finally broke my silence, and shared with my parents the weight that I had been carrying for the past 4 yrs, and the pain that came with it.  It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.  I was scared of what would happen, what they would say, the decisions I'd have to make, of whether leaving was best, or whether to stay and keep trying to save my marriage. I sought professional counselling, and through that, I realized that I was getting hurt, and in a sense enabling him to continue to treat me this way, I had been blind that the entire time!  I couldn't change him, he had to want to change, and clearly he didn't, even after over a year of seperation, nothing changed at all with him.  He left me no choice.  I couldn't put myself back into that emotionally abusive situation.  It wasn't healthy for me at all, and it took me a longggggggg time to realize how much hurt and pain all this had done to me over the years.  I still can't grasp it all, to be honest!  

That part of my life is over, although the pain and emotional hurt will take time to heal, but I am happier in my life then I have been in a long time, I'm constantly re-discovering who I am as a person, and I'm so thankful for my family and friends that have surrounded me with love, prayers, encouragement and support through it all!  I couldn't have made it through this chapter of my life without each of them!  I have been blessed!

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If you know of someone who is in a destructive relationship:

This book is one that I highly reccommend!  It really made me realize how damaging my marriage had been to me, and how to start healing my lack of self-esteem, and bad self-image that I had because of it.  GREAT BOOK! 

Opportunities for Growth

Well it is a beautiful day here, mild and sunny!  Funny how sunshine can effect a persons outlook on things, isn't it? Things seem more happy and positive when the sun is shining, then when it is cloudy and dull, or maybe that is just me. 

This morning has been good, and a chance to be thankful for alot!  Although I couldn't be there in person, I was rejoicing, and in prayer, for my best friend as he went and ministered to a congregation this morning with his gift of music!  I have been fortunate enough over the years to hear him play, and know the gift he pocesses, and now he is able to share his talent and gift with others!  I am very proud of him, because I know the obstacles that he's faced to get to this point.  I pray that it will not only be a blessing to those who listen in the congregation, but also that he in turn would be blessed and encouraged by this opportunity!  

As I sat in church this morning I was reminded of many things, of the people and opportunities that God's placed in my life over the years that have helped me grow in my faith, and in a sense helped me to become the person I am. It's funny how you can listen to a song, and it reminds you of a certain time and place in your life, maybe a certain person.  This morning was such a time.  Two songs this morning that were sung, hit me, and reminded me of memories that will always be dear to me.  The years at Fireside, listening to PJ lead worship at staff devos or chapel times, firebowls.... every single time I hear them, no matter the time that has passed, I am reminded of those special moments at camp, with such a wonderful staff family every summer, by the campers that came!  I was blessed by that time in my life, my faith grew alot through that experience, by the friends that I made each summer, by the things I saw God accomplish, by the people and lives that were changed because of that ministry!  God is still using that ministry to this day, and I'm thankful that I was part of it, that it is part of who I am.  Forever stamped on my heart! 

~ God is always giving us opportunities and experiences in this life to learn and grow, and to step out in faith.  Do we recognize them?  Are we thankful for them?  Are we thankful even when they might not turn out the way we hoped or wanted them to?  What about when they are painful and difficult times of growth?  ~

Wounds or Gifts

I have been reading a interesting book lately called "God Never Blinks" by Regina Brett.  In it she has some very interesting lessons, 50 of them actually!  Today's was rather interesting. 

She writes, "If we all threw our problems into a pile, we'd fight to get back our own, not because they are easier, but because they are ours.  Our lessons.  Our honors.  Our gifts."

I read that and thought "Who in their right mind would ever call problems a gift?!?!"  When you are in the middle of so many problems, and struggles it is hard to consider them anything even close to being a gift! When I think of problems, I relate it to the feelings of heartache, pain, fear, insecurity, brokenness, just to name a few.  Maybe your list is different.  Do those words sound like gifts to you?  

I remember when I was walking through the woods at camp several years ago, I came across a corpse of a bird that had got bit by an animal.  My heart sank.  I remember how fragile that little bird looked,and knew that it had suffered by it's wound, by it's brokenness.  As God's children, He knows us, each of us, by our wounds, by our brokenness.

Saint Augustine wrote, and I love this: "In my deepest wound I see Your glory, and it dazzles me."  To God, they are not wounds, but gifts.  I am perfectly imperfect to Him, even in the mess of life, in the problems and flaws that I have, in the wounds that I may suffer and get in this life.  And in all of my brokenness, I must give to God what He cannot recieve from anyone else:  the gift of me. 

Struggles with Life and Attitude



"When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through."

 - Nicholas Sparks

The past few months seem to have been a constant struggle for me. The feeling of being unsettled, of frustration at where I'm at, and the situations God's placed me in, and wondering why! Why do we ask "Why?" Do we not trust God enough to know that He's got good that will come out of the bad situations, the struggles, the thorns of life? Sometimes I forget that, more so in the past few months. I wonder where God is, I get angry at God, and frustrated with life itself, and wonder why I was put here if only to struggle the way I am.

I am extremely thankful for my best friend, who for the past few years has listened to me complain and whine about how life isn't fair, about the injustices of life, how illness sucks, and how it doesn't seem worth it, and the list goes on!  He's heard so many of my frustrations and vents over the years. Sometimes I wonder how, and why, he puts up with me, but I'm thankful he has!

The past few months, when I've been going through alot of really tough stuff, I never questioned whether to say anything about it to him or not. He's been there for me,. There were alot of dark days, days where my attitude sucked, where I was just wanting to throw in the towel, and say "I'm done!", and I would recieve a text or a phone message saying "Hang in there, I'm praying for you!"  Do you know what that does to a person, to know that someone is constantly in prayer for you? I knew, that whether my friend was 3000 miles away, or 360, or whatever, he had my back, and was with me in it! I wasn't in it on my own!  It's been a huge encouragement to me! 

I know that I'm not the only one who finds it hard to remain positive when it feels like life is spinning out of control, when work is stressful, when there are family troubles, when finances are difficult, when relationships are breaking down, when health is suffering, etc.  It's easier to count problems then blessings!  Remember that no matter what you're going through, God knows what it is, He hears you, He knows the pain, the heartache, the struggle.  He will get you through it, and know that you have friends you can lean on in those times, who will pray and stand with you, and carry you, if you need that!  You're not alone!  Sometimes just a change of attitude will change your perspective on things in an amazing way! 

~ What will your attitude be in times of trial and pain and hardship?  Will it be one of faith, hope and joy? Or will it be self-pity, anger, resentment, etc?~ 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

James 1:2-4

Ruth Graham and "Lessons from Ruins"

Wow, what a weekend!!! Here in Brockville we had the priviledge of having Ruth Graham & Friends here to do a conference! On Friday night over 1100 people packed into Wall Street United Church to hear Ruth Graham speak, but first a time of worship and Huntley Brown shared his amazing gift of music with all of us! WOW! That's all I can say is "Wow!"! I've heard some amazing pianists in my time, but "Wow!", he was incredible to listen to, and to watch! I wish I was able to take in the entire conference, but I was thankful to have been able to go and hear Ruth speak at least once, and it was definately a "God thing".

Ruth Graham, 3rd out of 5 children of Billy and Ruth Graham, who the world knows, and respects, she had two failed marriages, delt with depression, grandchildren born out of wed-lock, a son who dabbled in drugs, a daughter who had an eating disorder, etc... As she spoke that night on the Prodigal Son, and shared bits and pieces of her story with all of us, I sat and listened. The words she spoke rang true with me! I knew and understood where she had been, for that is where I had found myself.

I, like her, have grown up in a Christian home.
I, like her, am a Pastors daughter.
I, like her, am the 3 child.
I, like her, have delt with depression.
I, like her, have a failed marriage.
I, like her, have carried around that guilt for so long.
I, like her, have been shattered and broken by it.

Those are just a few of the things I connected with. She spoke of how hard it had been to share her failures with her parents, with her family, with her friends. How she had felt like a failure to herself, and to God for years, how she didn't trust herself to make good decisions for her life anymore. Oh how I understood those feelings all too well! But life happens, things happen that you don't expect, including failed marriages. The good news is that God will accept us, in our broken, hurt, and wounded state, and welcome us home! He'll love us no matter what we've done, how we feel, what mistakes we've made. We all have our flaws, nobody but Him is perfect. So as I now read the story of the Prodigal Son, it is no longer focused on the son, but on the Loving Father.... our Father, who accepts us unconditionally!

Something Ruth said that night stuck with me. She said "When you feel like you are in the midst of the ruins of your life, remember that God doesn't see it as the end of something. God will use those ruins and make something beautiful out of those hardships or trials, failed marriages, whatever it is!"

I asked my Mum to get one of her books for me, and she did, and also got it signed by Ruth Graham, and it says "To Amanda - God Restores! Ruth Graham John 1:16 I am encouraged! I can't wait to read this book on my trip to New England next week!

Fingerprints

"Our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch." ~ Tyler Hawkins

The past week or so has brought back alot of memories for me. As I look forward to going on vacation, and traveling again, I started going through my many, MANY pictures from tour and various travels. It's incedible to see the pictures, remember the places and people I met along the way! Oh so many, and the things I have learned from others!

I was thinking on it this morning, about how many people we meet in our lifetime, and it may just for a brief visit, you may know them for years before you part ways, but either way your "fingerprints" are left in their lives! They have been touched by you, and you by them! Think of how many "fingerprints" cover your life...alot huh? What "fingerprint" will you leave on the lives of the people you meet today? Will it be a positive one?

"The Shrug"

So the past few days I've been reading a book called "Job - A Man of Heroic Endurance" by Charles Swindoll, and I came across this portion of the book, and thought it was great, something we, myself included, need to practice.

He writes:

"I want you to pracitice this in front of the mirror. I call it "The Shrug". Stand in front of the mirror, all alone, nobody around, shrug your shoulders, and say, "I don't know...I really don't know." You can add, "I can't tell you why that happened. I don't know." Repeat the words several times: "I don't know."

The great news is that God never shrugs. He never says "I don't know." With acute perception He says, "I know exactly why this happened. I know the way you take. I know why. I know how long you will be there, and I know what will be the end result." Shrugging and diety are incompatible.

While you're shrugging in genuine humility, saying, "I don't know," He's saying, "Good for you. Rely on Me in the mystery. Trust Me." God never promised He would inform us ahead of time all about His plan, He's just promised us that He has one. Ultimately it is for our good and His glory. He knows - we don't. That's why we shrug and say "I don't know." So if you meet me one day, and you ask me a deep, difficult question, don't be surprised if I shrug and say "I don't know."